Influence

One thing that's been in and out of my head constantly is how much guilt I feel about the wrong things I do. Not just the wrong things, but the things that I feel I should be doing and am not. I see other Christians do such great things in Jesus' name and I can't help but feel guilty for not being part of it - not fulfilling my potential, not living out my destiny or being who God called me to be.

I feel so guilty for doing, well.... nothing for him really. I see all the other Christians at school doing amazing proactive things while I sit at home.

And I just feel so bad for not wanting to do anything. I don't feel the passion to pray for our school, or to spark up outreaches or attend prayer meetings. The fire has kinda fizzled out and I'm not doing much for the expansion of God's kingdom.

And I just feel so darnned guilty about it.

Ahh, but that's then He comes and shows me truth and gives me hope (wow bring on the cheese-fest).

I have this one friend who kinda inspires me to be a better person. It's the influence - it's very subtle and I've only noticed it now. I just find myself wanting to change for the better. And gosh I hope it not subconsiously to impress them. lol
But God was like, that's what He wants to do for me. You see, your Christian life is a result of the relationship with God. Your behaviour, ministry, words, all come out of hanging out with Him all the time. You just can't help but reflect Him - you know, being His light in this dark world.

Because who you hang out with slowly rubs off to you and you start to mirror them. Not in an obvious "oh-my-gosh-I-shall-copy-everything-you-say-and-do-from-now-on" kind of a way. But ever so slightly you pick up on what they say and do and adopt it as your own. God wants to be that kind of influence. That by hanging out with Him more and just being conscious of Him him everywhere all the time, He starts to rub off on you. I mean, His spirit's already in us, but it's his personality we take time to adopt.

So I shouldn't feel bad for not being the perfect Christian - I should be more concerned about the fact that I've been snobbing Him for ages. Christianity starts with Him. If He's not your prime focus - then you're doing it wrong. I shouldn't worry about my actions because who we are on the outside is the fruit. And no fruit grows unless you do the behind-the-scene work. Like conversing with Him, reading His word, just allowing yourself, myself, to be influenced by Him.

Who you hang out with has an impact on how you act. So hang out with Him.

You Gotta Want Him

There have been A LOT of times where doing "the Christain thing" just felt like such a burden. Reading my bible - boring. Praying - kill me now. Writing on this blog - do I have to? Clap my hands in church - not in the mood. 

It's just so..... boring. All this religious stuff that we're supposed to want to do willingly is just so hard to want to do! (is it just me?! lol)

One reason behind it (to me anyway) is that I've totally missed the whole point of why Christians so these seemingly mundane activities.

I'll use boy-girl crushes as an analogy cos I feel you'll be able to relate to it easiest.

When you like a boy/girl or are in the first few days/weeks of your relationship, you want to spend lots and lots of time with/around them. You wanna talk to them, stalk their fb walls, hang out and talk about them to other people (but maybe not being really obvious about how much you're into them.... but I'm going off on a tangent here). Anyway, anything related to that person is just so amazing. Going to the same youth group or being in the same class or them saying hi to you one day. EVERYTHING is thrilling and you'll take what you can get. 

Well, it's like that with God (albeit, not EXACTLY the same for obvious reasons. lol). If you like him, you'll WANT to access as much information about them as you can or have direct (praying, or bible reading) or corporal (church singing, services, youth groups) access. You just find yourself wanting to do these things because you're so enthralled by Him. It's only when your prime focus is on God himself that these seemingly mundane become stuff you wanna do yourself. 

It's when you lose of God, the reason for it all, and start looking at the activity on its own out of context that it's starts feeling like meaningless religious acts. Which are totes are no-no. God doesn't want a bunch of religious, rule following, non-thinking mass. He wants you to get to know Him as a person and to be in your life everyday. 

He doesn't want anything from you, He simply wants you. As you are. Me. As I am.

So now reading my bible (online because I lost my physical copy - don't stone me!) is not a hassle. Praying is not this hard, long, process I have to endure. 

Yeah.

God bless yo! :)

Sincerity

I don't like reading about the Bible. 

I think it's because it seems like such a personal book that writing an analysation on it just makes it seem like an English class. Which works for ALOT of people who like sharing stuff about their bible reading but it just really rubs me the wrong way.

It's not inspiring to me.

But that's cos I'm a lot cynical when it comes to Christian's sincerity about their words. Because it's so easy to just say the "Christiany" things to say. It all sounds a bit wishy-washy after a while and it just loses it's meaning..... to me.

But I think a root cause is that I can say "Christiany" things without sincerity. I know the "holy" sounding phrases pastors use. I know what it's like to sound like a "good Christian". I've done it before. Is that why I question everyone else's sincerity? 

So I've kinda swung on the opposite side and try not to sound so hyped up because it just doesn't feel right. I try stay clear of cliches as much as possible. Always thinking about what I say when it comes to God because I don't want anything to flow out automatically by subconscious memorising from what I hear from preachers and leaders and stuff....

Time to mull it over, ask God.....